A Monthly Column for Strip Las Vegas by hilarious and sexy comedian April Macie –sharing her travel journals
of her performances for the U.S. troops overseas with a patriotic blend of sex, comedy, and military in-between.
After a show the other night,
some guy came up to me and said:
“Ahh, you were really funny.
But why do you do stand-up?
You’re such a pretty girl.”
To that guy, I wrote:
Dear Douche-Bag McGee,
WHY AM I A COMIC? Let’s see... Ahh, where to begin. Well, my parents were really young when they had me (my parents are the kind of people you wouldn’t trust to water your houseplants for the weekend), so I was raised by my grandparents and my aunt who was a paranoid schizophrenic.
WARNING: THESE STORIES ARE KINDA’ SAD. BUT DON’T WORRY... I TURNED OUT RELATIVELY NORMAL.
Anyway, my mom was a lot like Barbara Eden in “Harper Valley PTA”. She was totally hot, but sort of the town whore (in a small town you’re automatically the town whore if you dress provocatively, have big tits and drive a Camaro) Her tittie did fall out of her tube top at my third grade parent teacher conference, and she used to pick me up from my elementary school bus stop in a bikini (my bus stop just happened to be the park where she laid out... She always told me to “Keep a tan – brown fat is better than white fat.” Pearls of wisdom. Anyway, I didn’t see my parents that much because they were really busy having coke parties at the house... I always thought it was kinda’ fun that there was a large group of adults at my house all weekend and they hated to go to bed, just like me.
My grandmother lost her speech due to a stroke when I was in second grade. She retained the use of a few words: good, boy, son of a bitch, god dammit, and cocksucker. So she would go around the house yelling and pointing “God dammit, son of a bitch, good boy, good, ahhhh cocksucker.” Because I was always with her, I knew exactly what she was trying to say. Perhaps cocksucker meant: “Turn on Trapper John,” or “Get Nanna her Metamucil.” My mom feels my grandmother losing her speech was punishment for her calling her a “whore” all those years.
My aunt was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic when I was about five. She came home from Penn State her sophomore year, and she was just plain crazy. Well, the whole family was crazy, Carol just had the medication and the papers to prove it. She would go around the house talking about how there were cameras in the walls and how people were watching her. My dad would yell, “Nobody’s watching you... You’re not that interesting, all you do is watch Donahue all day. STOP BEING CRAZY!” Whatever happened to understanding? Perhaps, my father’s understanding was thrown out the window with his cigarette butts.
Crazy is fun, when you’re a little kid. Crazy had imaginary friends. I had imaginary friends. Crazy and I had something in common. Crazy Carol (that’s what everybody called her) taught me how to play card games and tell time. Crazy Carol would have moments of lucidity and great insight, then say something like, “Raccoons wear little pants.” Crazy Carol committed suicide when I was ten years old. To make a crazy story even crazier, my grandfather died of AIDS three days later. CRAZY, HUH? He received it during a blood transfusion for an open heart surgery procedure in 1981 and received tainted blood. Funny, he survived a triple bi-pass, only to contract HIV and die just a few years later. He was a sweet man with a bald head. He would take me for doughnuts (to this day I love bakery boxes with brown string) and we would go fishing. He unknowingly passed it to my grandmother and she died five years after him. I WARNED YOU IT WAS SAD. It’s odd to think they were still having sex after my grandmother’s stroke. Maybe it was my grandmother’s constant use of expletives that got my grandfather in the mood.
After that I went back with my parents... They were then forced to take care of me. I say “take care of” loosely. As a result, as most women with no real father figure and abandonment issues can tell you, I turned to promiscuity. I guess you could say I’ve been trying to get my self-esteem back, one cock at a time, since I was fifteen. Fill the void. Fill the void. I had my first sexual experience pretty early. And by early, I mean: ‘After it happened I went home and watched Fraggle Rock,’ early.
I SWEAR THIS WAS FUNNY IN MY HEAD. ON PAPER... LOOKS A LITTLE CREEPY.
There are so many stories... After my dad lost pretty much his entire family, he lost his business and we went bankrupt. My mom decided to save Christmas by selling Xmas stockings at the mall... only she wasn’t very crafty... they were all fucked up, pointy toes and what-not, but people bought them because she was nine months prego and they felt bad for her... She did save Christmas, but was so hungover (oh, yeah, she’s an alcoholic – her entire family – all six brothers and sisters and her mother are fun, fun alcoholics). Anyway, she threw up on the present I gave her (Grandma’s Kitchen potpourri). She said, “It smells like ass in a bag.”
There was the time I wanted to be her in the 2nd grade Halloween pageant, and took lingerie out of her drawers and dressed up like a street hooker in Miss Nagy’s class. I swear I saw my 2nd grade teacher shit a Twinkie.
There’s my alcoholic uncles: One was arrested for DUI by a bicycle cop, the other arrested twice in one night by the same police officer for DUI.
There’s family vacations with my evil grandparents (not the ones that died), and my quadriplegic uncle who always smelled liked he bathed in urine. Nothing says “vacation” like pushing a hundred and ninety pound semi-retarded man in sand.
Douche-Bag McGee, to answer your question... What choice did I have? Find humor in the tragedy or allow it to destroy me. DESTROY? Okay, that might have been a bit melodramatic, but anyway, this “pretty girl” chose the former.
Comedy saved me. Comedy allows me to travel the world entertaining and bringing laughter to the faces of people who need it. I want people to know that WOMEN ARE FUNNY (even pretty women)!!! We are just as damaged as men! SLV
Thank you,
APRIL MACIE
AprilMacieIsHilarious.com
Issue 65 featuring: Zoe Voss, Jessie Andrews & Virginia Mae |
