A Monthly Column for Strip Las Vegas by hilarious and sexy comedian April Macie –sharing her travel journals
of her performances for the U.S. troops overseas with a patriotic blend of sex, comedy, and military in-between.
There are 22,194,656 catalogued books in the Library of Congress classification system – 5,600 incunabula (books printed before 1500), monographs, serials, music, bound newspapers, pamphlets, technical reports, and other printed material, and 109,029,796 items in the non-classified (special) collections – making 147,093,357 total items. (This info was lifted from Wikipedia... Sorry, I didn’t know those numbers off the top of my head, probably because I’ve only read like 40 of those books.) Anyway, some people are auditory learners, some visual... I learn by doing. The amount of stuff I don’t understand about America’s involvement in the Iraq war could fill a few more rows in the Library of Congress.
Here are a few things I DID learn while traveling to Iraq to perform for the troops (I’m a “doing” learner):
While in Baghdad, I slept in Saddam’s old hunting lodge turned hotel for generals and young ladies who sling dick jokes for soldiers. It was kinda surreal, and a great party story btw. I learned that Saddam Hussein had taste similar to Carmela Soprano. Marble, ornate fruit and gold-leaf was a-plenty! Stay classy, Saddam.
I learned... When America made its first strike on the Ba’ath House, Saddam’s movie theater was hit and Pretty Woman was still playing when soldiers entered. I’m curious if the members of the Ba’ath party loved a fun-loving Richard Gere/Julia Roberts romantic comedy or a Jason Alexander attempted rape scene.
Speaking of rape (that’s what comedians call a “segue”), Uday and Qusay Hussein (and his peeps) used to go to junior high schools and kidnap 12 to 14 year-old girls for Uday’s own personal rape brothel. He would house them in the Perfume Palace (named by soldiers after they invaded Baghdad because the smell of perfume still lingered). If the girls became pregnant, they were beheaded. No joke here. The rape and murder of innocent adolescent girls isn’t as hilarious as it used to be.
I also learned that Saddam diverted all of the drinking water in Baghdad for days to build his numerous palaces around water, because he felt like Allah couldn’t see your sins on water. Allah should probably get Lasik or corrective eyewear if he can’t see rape and murder reflecting off a manmade body of water.
Saddam was a huge germaphobe, and would kill a woman if she sweat on him during sex... Rules out being on top or reverse cowgirl.
Some people decorate their front doors with wreaths, Sadaam decorated with helmets of slaughtered Iranian generals. Perhaps he just liked Halloween year round.
After killing his son-in-laws, Sadaam had an exact replica of the Flinstones village built for his grandchildren, to make up for their fathers’ deaths. I learned that I’m glad he wasn’t my grandpa. As I stood next to the last standing mural of Saddam Hussein in Iraq, I learned that his smile and mustache say, “happy-go-lucky guy”, but his eyes say “evil-rapey-murdery dictator”. And I learned I’m glad he died looking like a homeless man in a hole!
This article/travel journal is a monthly tribute to the men and women who serve in the United States Armed Forces. If you enjoy your freedom (and I know you pervs do), donate anything you can to support our troops. Here are a few charities I like:
• WoundedWarriorProject.org
• FallenPatroitFund.org
• USO.org/donate
DONATE! YOUR TIME, YOUR MONEY, YOUR SOCKS (just not the ones you use for this magazine... new ones), ANYTHING! PUT THE PORN DOWN AND REMEMBER WHO FIGHTS FOR YOUR FREEDOM TO BUY IT! SLV
AprilMacieIsHilarious.com
Issue 64 featuring: Emily Addison, Carlotta Champagne & Markesa Yeager |
