A Monthly Column for Strip Las Vegas by hilarious and sexy comedian April Macie –sharing her travel journals of her performances for the U.S. troops overseas with a patriotic blend of sex, comedy, and military in-between.
As I was playing with my phone, googling myself (narcissism is a huge part of being a comedian) and procrastinating writing this article, I overheard a news report say: “Nine men died in Iraq and Afghanistan this week.” I wondered, did I know them? Was it any of the men or women I had met while traveling overseas to entertain? I have met many, and gotten to know only a few, but I know as a collective, they are all men and women who are willing to sacrifice their:
TIME… Most of the men and women I’ve met have been on multiple deployments. They feel a sense of honor, duty and allegiance to not only their country, but to their friends and comrades who serve alongside them. Time is the most precious commodity we have in life, and they are willing to give theirs so freely to defend our freedom.
THE COMFORTS OF HOME… Walking through gravel, sleeping in tents and CLU’s (Contained Living Units… kinda looks like a glorified shed sans the lawnmower), putting on shoes in the middle of the night and going outside to use a Porta-Potty… (The government should allocate funds for indoor plumbing. Porta-Potty + Automatic Weapon = Bad Idea). …showering in a communal trailer with flip flops on to avoid fungal infections, and working so many days in a row that you only know what day of the week it is based on the rotating menu in the chow hall (Taco Tuesdays & Steak Sundays become their calendar).
MILESTONES IN THEIR CHILDREN’S LIVES… Mothers and fathers are away from their children for a year or two at a time. I was touched by our PSO (personal security officer) in Baghdad. He showed me pictures of his little girl in the DFAC (that’s military-speak for dining facility) as I was shoveling bacon in my man pleaser (that’s April-speak for mouth). He mentioned that he was sad because his daughter stopped calling him “Daddy”. In the few months he had been away from home, she decided that she was a big girl now and wanted to call him “Dad”. The days of “Daddy” were days he longed for. And they were days he knew he’d never see again. Another father told me about how his daughter was just turning fifteen, and he wished he could be at home fighting the war in his own backyard against teenage boys, instead of fighting a war overseas he didn’t really understand. He didn’t really know why he was there, but he knew enough not to question, if he wanted to continue putting food on the table. In the military, you don’t ask questions, you simply follow orders.
THE TOUCH OF LOVED ONES… Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children are separated by thousands of miles. The only thing keeping them connected are phones, internet and faith. Faith – that they will be there waiting for them when they return home, and fear from home – that day may never come.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY…
THEIR LIVES… These people put there lives on the line every day. They are shot at, avoid IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices), and incoming rockets are a daily occurrence. In war zones, men and women have their weapon (mostly M-4’s from what I saw) on them at all times. One base I visited in Iraq had two-hundred and forty-nine rocket attacks in a span of six months. I’m no expert in Military Science, but that seems like a LOT of fuckin’ rocket attacks!
OH, AND A FAST INTERNET CONNECTION… That seemed to be a recurring complaint. Porn didn‘t download in an effective manner... Kinda important when you’re going a year or two without touch of a loved one.
Sacrifice is something we know very little about as Americans. Procrastination and narcissism is a Western luxury, as is personal freedom.
Immediately upon returning from the Middle East, I poured myself a glass of red wine, smoked a joint, ate a pork chop, and Helen Keller’d my cootch to X-art.com. It’s a porn site that has beautiful beach scenery, so I don’t feel so bad about watching a girl with self-esteem issues get pounded. All of these things are illegal in most of the countries I had just traveled to, some of them punishable by death. Back in the states I was free to do it all, and it was the men and women I had just met who allowed that to be so.
I love performing for the troops (stand-up comedy, not fellatio). It makes me feel like I’m doing some tangible good with my life and bringing laughter to people who genuinely need it. I’ve entertained our military in Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Djibouti Africa, Korea, Singapore, Japan, Marshall Islands, Guam, Hawaii and Guantanamo Bay. This article/travel journal is a monthly tribute to the men and women who serve in the United States Armed Forces. If you enjoy your freedom (and I know you pervs do), donate anything you can to support our troops. Here are a few charities I like:
WoundedWarriorProject.org • FallenPatroitFund.org • USO.org/donate
DONATE! YOUR TIME, YOUR MONEY, YOUR SOCKS (just not the ones you use for this magazine... new ones), ANYTHING! PUT THE PORN DOWN AND REMEMBER WHO FIGHTS FOR YOUR FREEDOM TO BUY IT! SLV
Issue 61 Featuring Julia Bond, Alexis Ford & Rebecca Miller |
