At least one out of every four women in this country will suffer some type of abuse in her lifetime. This can be verbal, mental, physical or sexual abuse. In recent years the number of men who are assaulted by their girlfriends or wives has increased too. Trying to understand how people get in these situations, and what to look for when the flush of dating is sweeping you off your feet, can be very confusing. The difference in the way men and women think and respond to each other is part of the reason.
Dr. Major, a board-certified psychiatrist who deals with relationships, sheds light on this sometimes dark reality explaining: “Abuse can be one of the most difficult things in a person’s life to ever deal with.”
During our conversation, I asked Dr. Major what signs a man or woman should look for to determine if someone would become violent. He explained: “The first sign is an overcontrolling personality. It doesn’t start off with being possessive, but starts off with a person paying you a lot of attention. They’re so in tune with what you’re doing and where you’re going and it’s very flattering when you first start off. We all like attention, but they’re just getting into every corner and pocket of your life. Too much attention or too much affection during those first couple of months is a big sign; when someone is too emotional. At first it starts off getting a little too happy, like overexaggerated responses to normal little things. The emotions are more like a rollercoaster. For example, if they get cutoff in traffic, they’ll go into a rage or they’ll stub their toe and it’ll take them an hour or two to get over it and calm down. As they get to know you better, their actions will become more and more severe and eventually you will be the focus of that anger at some point.”
Dr. Major, has written a book to help inform ladies what to look for and what questions to ask to help keep them out of disappointing and possibly dangerous situations. Men can use the book as a tool, too, to try and understand the way a woman thinks. Loving his five sisters and mother, and not wanting to see them hurt, Dr. Major decided he would open the door to the “secrets of the boys club”. What exactly goes on in a man’s mind and the truth about how and why a man tells lies culminated in the book Little White Whys. He starts the book off by stating there are three simple truths to dating men.
“The fact that we cannot control another person in a relationship is, all at once, exciting, scary, and frustrating.”
In the book, there are questions that are always asked at some point during the dating process. Little White Whys gives you red flag answers and white flag answers. Questions as simple as “Are you married?” “Are you gay or bisexual?” “Are you in a sexual relationship with anyone right now?” –give you insight into the answers you hear. It’s a fun read about a very serious situation. You’ll want to read it and then pass it on to the friends you love. With online dating becoming more and more popular, we have a harder time getting to know who someone is and their true personality.
1. Believe half of what we say and all of what we do.
2. Guys only want one thing–sex.
3. Everything you need to know about us,
we told you during the first three conversations.
As we furthered our conversation, I asked about sex. “Sex is a big deal,” he emphasized. “I think a talk about sex is a very necessary conversation, because you have to be on the same page with that and have the same expectations going into that. When you ask your partner about the number of times you want to have sex a week and the answer is five, and you go: ‘Oh my God,’ you’ve got a problem. You don’t want to spring that on somebody after the fact, you want to know that going in. You should also set up an agreement about certain pleasures that you will continue to do after marriage.” He continued on, telling me again: “Sex is a big deal! A lot of women feel that once they say “I do” in front of family and friends, that the race is over. They think, ‘I came in first. I won the prize, and now we can put it on cruise control from here. Now I don’t have to be sexy, now I can relax.’ A recent study came out a couple of months ago that stated 67 percent of married women would rather take a nap, watch a movie, or catch up on some reading, than have sex with their husbands. 67 percent! Six out of ten women! People forget that after marriage we still need to flirt and have that dating mentality. Men are highly visual. The way we process the whole world is through our eyes. We only know what we see. If a man falls in love with a sexy looking woman and then she lets herself go, he usually will look at other sexy females.”
With gangs becoming a factor of life that we see cropping up across the country, I asked Dr. Major what can be done to protect our daughters, sisters, and young friends. He answered: “Kids that gravitate towards the gang culture are typically longing to belong to some type of family. The girls are looking to belong to that protective father figure. That’s what a lot of gang cultures provide. We’re going to take care of you when nobody else will. We’ll have your back and love you when the rest of the world turns their back on you. In exchange for that, we’re going to require you do these tasks that we want you to do. It’s so important to offer that support and mentality in the home and make girls feel secure, so that they don’t look for it outside the family. You need to have really frank discussions about what they can and can’t get into. They might not appear to listen, but they’re going to hear what you said. It’s going to register on some level and when they come upon it, they’ll remember what you said. I was talking to this young girl this morning and I asked her, ‘What do you value about yourself most?’ She said, “Nothing.” This girl is sixteen and just drop-dead gorgeous and belongs on the cover of Seventeen magazine. She can’t stop having sex with whomever she meets. One day, two days, no condom, no protection, and that’s her deal. There’s no self worth, whatsoever. The world is teaching her that the only thing she has that is of value is her sexuality. It’s almost a curse being a good-looking teenage female, because that’s what the guys will gravitate toward.”
“Men always think they have a shot at the naked zone.”
“Women are attracted to the men they fall in love with. Men fall in love with the women they are attracted to.”
Most men will always remember the movie Fatal Attraction, where a one-night stand turns deadly. Celebrities often become victims of stalkers, but both men and women alike can be subject to this horrific abuse. Police action is hard to find when you need it, because it’s so hard to prove. Dr. Majors has insight into what to do if you find yourself in this predicament. “The first thing you do is let everyone close to you know what’s going on. Tell your friends, your co-workers, because you want everyone to be on the alert. At the base of a stalker is a coward. At the sign of any confrontation, they’ll usually head for the hills and run. The stalker wants you to be isolated, so it can be one-on-one. These stalkers are predators. Like a lion that separates the weak one from the pack, you become an easy target, when you are alone.” When you find the right partner and decide it’s true love, Dr. Major offers this advice:
Communication is key to good relationships. Ask a lot of questions. If you don’t, they will rear their ugly head in the future. Questions like: Sex with the lights on or off? Who do we spend the holidays with? Showers in the morning or night? These are things that you should have a conversation about. He says: “Remember that you care about making each other happy. Remember that you enjoy spending time together. Remember that you are interested in knowing what the other person is thinking about. Remember that this is the person whom you want to experience life with. Remember that you love each other, and please don’t ever forget that you deserve to be loved…it’s your right!” SLV
~October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In 2010, for the first time, the US Senate adopted a Resolution for Teen Dating Violence Awareness & Prevention Month to coincide with Domestic Violence Awareness Month during October.
Issue 52 featuring: Alexis Ford, Kimberly, Gia Jordan and Kagney Linn Karter |
