What do you get when you cross a woman so beautiful that you are intimidated, with a woman so open sexually that you just know she will do things to you that you can’t even spell, with a woman who’s mouth is so filthy she reminds you of your days as a drunken sailor at a brothel in the Far East? Here’s what you get: the hottest chick in all of Standup Comedy, Ms. April Macie! Take in her set at any club around the country and experience her unique takes on everything from double standards for women to male genitalia (in great detail). Nothing is off-limits to April, as she tramples on social niceties and shares with you the real deal on men, relationships, and her amazing skill set. I interviewed April before one of her recurring monthly gigs at the Playboy Comedy Club at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas. Sit back, relax, and enjoy a journey into the mind of a brilliant, beautiful, soon to be very famous, standup comedian, April Macie.

Edward: Let’s start out with the trendy question, who’s on your celebrity pass list? If you were in a relationship, who are the three you would sleep with?
April: You mean that I already haven’t had sex with?
Edward: Three that you haven’t done, that you would say to your guy: “If I get the chance, I am doing…”
April: I am gonna say Gerard Butler. He’s meaty and manly and I like him and I would like to see him naked.
Edward: You do realize this is going to be published?
April: I am totally okay with that! If Gerard wants to come and do the deal, yeah sure, I am okay with that. I am gonna say Oliver Martinez, that French guy that cheated with Diane Lane in that movie (“Unfaithful”). He has that slightly crooked nose and shiny shiny hair, it’s like Unicorn hair. I like him SOOOOOOOO much. And Ryan Reynolds, he’s cute and kinda funny.
Edward: You have been on Howard Stern a couple of times. Ever play
“F-Marry-Kill”?
April: Never on the show, but I have at my house.
Edward: Perfect. F-Marry-Kill: Gerard Butler, that Martinez guy I have no idea who he is and Ryan Reynolds?
April: Ahhh, shit. OK…
Edward: And by the way, we are going to be playing this game a number of times throughout the interview.
April: I think I am going to probably fuck Gerard Butler because he is just such a manly man, I’d love to fuck me some Gerard Butler. I am probably going to marry Ryan Reynolds because he is funny and I think if I can swoop in and steal him from Scarlet Johansson, I think I would get a lot of press out of that. And I guess I am going to kill Oliver.
Edward: Oh well… sorry, Oliver. I don’t know who you are anyway!
April: But Oliver, I do still want to have sex with you!!!
Edward: In your act, you are a little bit tough on the guys. Are you a bit of a hater?
April: I am? You really think I am tough on guys? Okay, maybe a little. You know, I have had some horror stories with men and stuff I didn’t even know could happen with men. In Vegas, a guy brought a hooker to my room. I hooked up with him, wouldn’t sleep with him, and then at like 6am, I was in his room and he said, “Can I get your room key? I’m going to grab some aspirin.” He came back upstairs and said that a bunch of these Canadian guys need a place to crash for a couple of hours, can they use your room? So I went down there like five minutes later and he was fucking a hooker in my room!
Edward: Okay, now I heard the whole answer and I need a clarification. You are a smoking hot chick. You hooked up with a guy, went back to your room, and you didn’t sleep with him? You just watched TV? I don’t get out much, so can explain to me how, why, this happens?
April: Why? Well, now that I have found comedy, I have a little bit of self-esteem, I don’t sleep with guys as quickly as I used to in my teen years. I like to pretend I am not a whore for like 4 or 5 dates.
Edward: So what was your intent when you went back to your room?
April: Make out time! I just thought we would have some fun make out time, maybe give him a little tit action. I didn’t realize that wasn’t satisfying for a man. So that might have tainted my view on men a little bit.
Edward: So the hooker story is your worst Vegas story, what’s your best?
April: I’ve had a few. I did hook up with this male revue dancer from American Storm, I think. His one dollar bill smelled like his balls. I think they are the hottest—not as greasy as the Thunder ones and not as seasoned (old) as the Chippendale guys.
Edward: Best road story?
April: I was heckled in New York one night by Olympic Gold Medalist figure skater and alcoholic Oksana Bayul. I was at Stand Up New York one night when about 2 minutes into my set she stood up and yelled, “I am so much hotter than you.” So I said, “Maybe that’s true, but obviously, I have a much better personality than you, and if you don’t shut your fuckin’ man pleaser, I will come down there and beat the fuck out of you with your ice skate and make you go back and stand in a bread line.”
Edward: You are not shy about working blue on stage, not even a little bit. Does that intimidate men in the real world?
April: Oh, for sure. Men want nothing to do with me. Men see my act and assume who I am onstage is who I am offstage. Onstage, it’s just me, turned up to a higher volume. It’s just a performance me, doing a performance. It intimidates the shit out of them! I talk about wieners and balls and guys think if they’re with me they’re going to be part of my act.
Edward: Rock stars have groupies, male comics have groupies, and does the hottest chick in standup comedy have groupies?
April: If by groupies you mean: men who might potentially murder me at some point? If you mean: men that might cut up my lady parts and stash them in their crawl space? Then, not too many. There is one guy in Kansas City who comes to every show and brings me a pack of Oscar Mayer Wieners, a carnation and a one-dollar bill. And he will always bring me a card, and since I perform there mostly around holidays, the card says we have now spent x-number of holidays together.
Edward: That totally outdoes my chocolate-covered croissant!
Edward: On your Web site bio, it says you play the victim, and you play victim very well. Now be totally honest, have you ever, ever, ever in your adult life (high school doesn’t count) been turned down by a man?
April: Yes! Maybe one or two. I think for the most part, I’ve gotten all the men that I’ve set my eyeballs on and said I wanted to fuck that fella. Most men will sleep with anyone—they don’t give a shit.
Edward: I really have a tough time seeing you as a victim.
April: But my childhood was so bad, now I have taken complete charge. I have an amazing life and I wouldn’t trade my shitty childhood for anything because it affords me the life I have now. I would rather have those few years of shitty and now get to reap the benefits as an adult than have it in reverse.
Edward: You had quite the reputation in high school? A tad bit promiscuous?
April: It’s was kinda the chicken coming before the egg. Because they started the rumor that I was a whore, it became like a self-fulfilling prophecy that I became a whore. I thought, well, they are already calling me it; I might as well become it.
Edward: Tell the truth, does size matter?
April: Yes!!! There is a window of acceptable wieners. You can’t be too small, but I have dated small. My ex had a button penis (a penis you would push and a gumball would pop out of his ass). And you can’t be giant either if you are a reasonable-sized woman who hasn’t squatted out 15 kids.
Edward: So if I told you my friends called me “Tommy Tuna Can”?
April: Tuna can is WAY TOO BIG! That’s ridiculous!!!
Edward: I watched your act last night and you spend quite a lot of time talking about oral sex. So, who performs better oral, men or women?
April: I think it’s easier to be good at giving a blowjob. Like, as a dude, you have to find a really small mark. Like a penis, (hopefully) you don’t have to find it, it’s just kinda there. I think past a certain age most women know how to give a decent blowjob. I have never been any other woman; I just know my skill set.
Edward: I was trying to ask: who gave YOU better oral?
April: Oh, I have no interest, I would be a boob lesbian, a little touchy feely. I have only had one experience and I didn’t even like it that much. I definitely don’t want to hump mound or have a broad go down on me. No interest in the puss.Edward: Most comics have lots of issues and it seems to be what makes them funny. What little ditties do you have that make you who you are as a comedian?
April: I am always panicked about my career. I catastrophize (new word alert) my entire life and career: “It’s never gonna happen, I am never gonna find a man.” I think, on some level, most comics don’t think they are worthy of love, that’s why we do what we do.
Edward: I skipped a follow-up question about oral. Do I look like an alligator to you?
April: (laughing hysterically) All men, when they are going down, look like alligators.
Edward: Time for some more F-Marry-Kill. David Spade, Craig Ferguson, I would put Andy Dick in there, but it is too easy a kill, and Joe Rogan?
April: I think I am gonna have to kill Joe Rogan, because I am pretty sure he could be violent and would kill me somewhere down our marital path. Hey wait, I don’t KNOW if he is violent, but he is into that UFC shit. It frightens me.
Edward: You got Spade and Ferguson left, you’re fuckin one and marrying one.
April: This is upsetting. I think I am gonna have to fuck Spade to get it out of the way, because I don’t want to fuck him for the rest of my life and I guess I will marry Ferguson.
Edward: Great! He is headlining over at the Venetian tonight. I think I will give him the good news.
Edward: Howard Stern, when he interviews porn chicks, he always gets to the bad things that happened in their past. You know, no normal well-adjusted chick would fuck on camera for money…
April: They were all diddled in their PJ’s by someone, some grandpa or uncle had to have had their way with them at some point. I am like one step away from that. You want my messed up childhood?
Edward: So, I guess if you are one step away, I have to ask, would you do porn?
April: NO, I won’t even show my cans!!!
Edward: Would you pose for Playboy? Scratch that, would you pose for Strip, the magazine that is going to publish this interview?
April: Here is my problem with posing. It’s like the diamond industry: once you flood the market with your cooch, I think it loses value. I think it should be saved for someone special. I mean, what makes it special if you can Google and your vag pops up?
Edward: So there is a knock on your door and its MTV Cribs. What’s going on in your pad?
April: Oh, no. I really love interior design. I have a 3-bedroom in Burbank, so it’s not like all that, but…
Edward: Okay, but what’s going on in there?
April: Mine is just so girly, just a tremendous amount of throw pillows, lots of candles and narcissism, lots of pictures of myself. They are memories of lots of things I am proud of, like me on (Howard) Stern.
Edward: What’s in your nightstand drawer?
April: Well, the Rabbit of course, maybe some condoms and lube. I don’t know for sure. And I don’t know why I would have condoms and lube, since it’s been forever since I got laid.
Edward: Forever? I gotta call BULLSHIT, April.
April: Seriously, it’s been like since January of this year!!! That’s a really long time (for me), it’s like a 6-month stretch!!!
Edward: You have a hot date tonight? Streak over?
April: Yes, I have a date tonight and no, I’m not ready to sleep with him yet.
Edward: Take him back to the room and make out with him?
April: I am always up for some make out time, but it might only involve make out time and a little boob action.
Edward: The Rabbit huh? Lots of girls seem to favor the Rabbit in my exhaustive research.
April: It’s cute and pink and has bunny ears. Makes me feel not so shameful about doing it.
Edward: So if a guy was going to buy you a toy?
April: A guy DID buy me the toy, for my birthday. I think he thought he was gonna get to use it on me. Instead I just said, “THANKS!” took it, and ran home.
Edward: Are you a fan of porn?April: I like porn. I have been on the road without sex for 6 months, so
there is lots of UPorn going on. I like cheap free porn, 5 minutes at a time, straight to the point and get it done. Then I feel totally guilty afterward.
Edward: So porn works for you?
April: Yes, I like porn.
Edward: When you’re with a guy?
April: I’m not against that if things get a bit stale. It’s probably not good in the beginning of a relationship, but, it’s okay to spice things up.
Edward: And your preferred porn is?
April: I go through phases. I like certain positions, like my favorite is reverse cowgirl. I don’t like it when there are just weird balls flopping about.
Edward: Funny you should say that. RCG is my favorite position too!!! I put my big screen on the ceiling, so I can smoke a cigar and watch Sports Center while you are riding.
April: Nice. And I like watching Mike in Brazil, because I like porn where the girls have bigger asses than me!
Edward: What do you have coming up besides being on the road every week?
April: I am in a documentary on Showtime called “I am Comic” that debuts on June 11th at 11:00pm. It has amazing comics like Tim Allen, Sarah Silverman, Jeff Foxworthy, Brian Regan, Jim Gaffigan and all these amazing comics and then there is my little punim (Yiddish for ‘face’), my sweet face is in there.
Edward: And your character is called?
April: I am the damaged comic; the comic who works through their issues on stage. I think there are comics who say comedy saved them, and comedy saved me. And then there are the comics who aren’t funny.
Edward: Who else do you put in the damaged comedian category?
April: I’m not putting myself in his category, but a guy like Richard Pryor. I mean, he was raised in a brothel, for God’s sake. We either turn into comics or serial killers. I mean, if you hear the stories, you would say you understand. We chose not to go to the dark side, instead we chose comedy. I think Dave Attell is pretty dark, and Jim Norton. I am not really dark on stage, but I would like to be. I would like to do more family material, but I have grown addicted to the laughter. And it’s a hard transition.
Edward: So maybe a book? That would be interesting.
April: Funny you should ask, I am writing a book right now.
Edward: Got a title yet?
April: Nope, but I am thinking maybe “From Slut to Standup”
Edward: That’s cute and catchy. Anything else you want to add to this adventure?
April: I want to change my first F-Marry-Kill! I want to fuck George Clooney. I want to fuck George Clooney and take Oliver Martinez off my list. George is sooooo on my list! So the new list is: I am going marry George Clooney, because we will have an amazing fucking time for the rest of our lives. I am gonna fuck Gerard Butler and sadly, kill Ryan Reynolds. I would like to fuck Ryan Reynolds, and torture him a little, in a good way.
Edward: So… promiscuous as a kid, never diddled, won’t do porn or pose nude, good girl now… Wow, you are all over the map with life experiences.
April: I told you I was damaged! (laughing)
Edward: Okay, one last F-Marry-Kill.
April: Go for it.
Edward: Cedric the Entertainer.
April: You stop it right there, Mister, I am not going there.
Edward: Thanks so much for your time and I know that we will be seeing you on HBO or wherever you decide you want your career to take you, very soon. SLV

April Macie appears at the Playboy Comedy Show at the Palms when she’s in Las Vegas. Check out her show during one of her monthly visits: August 26th-28th, September 30th-October 2nd, November 11th-13th and December 9th-11th of 2010.

You can see more of April on her site AprilMacieIsHilarious.com
And check her out on Facebook at www.facebook.com/aprilmacie
*Be sure to check out picture #32, you can thank me for it later!!!

Issue 50 featuring: Lela Star, Faye Reagan, Carli Banks