By Lilith Diana


No, I don’t mean sex change. I mean sexchange, as in sex for an exchange of money. It’s the portmanteau Ash and I recently made up. 

Now, I know you’re thinking, “Woah, woah, Lilith. ‘Sexchange’ ‘portmanteau’ what the hell are you talking about?” Let me break it down. According to Merriam-Webster, a portmanteau is “a word of morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms (like smog from smoke and fog).” Don’t you already feel smarter?

And as for “sexchange,” Ash and I have been trying to figure out what you call what we do when we ask a third-party female to provide us with sexual favors in exchange for money, and next thing we knew “sexchange” was born. Don’t worry; I’ll break it down further for you. Ash and I have a monogamous relationship. Neither one of us wants to be or is allowed to be in another relationship. We only have traditional sex with one another (meaning he only vaginally penetrates me), but we are allowed to engage in other types of play and sexual activities, as long as anything that is done with another person is done, 1) together, and 2) with us paying for the agreed-upon services.

So think about our strip club adventures: With very few exceptions, Ash and I go to strip clubs together and we also get lap dances together. So that meets criteria No. 1. And while we might engage in one or a few lap dances, and we might get turned on and excited by having a dancer grind upon us, at the end of the dance(s), we pay her – meeting criteria No. 2.
Escorts work the same way. Whenever we get a lady of the night, we do it together; and at the appropriate time, we pay her for her services.

Ash and I acknowledge the fact that we are sexual creatures, and beyond that, we also know that monogamy doesn’t come naturally to many people/couples. However, we want to make that commitment to each other, and by having a loose yet very defined definition of monogamy for our relationship, we are able to make that commitment to one another. We are able to fulfill some of our sexual needs, desires and fantasies with a third person, and that, in and of itself, has brought us closer together. And as crazy and nonsensical as this sounds – I think it has eliminated any desire to have a physical or emotional relationship outside of our relationship.

Indeed there are many other ways – and cheaper ways – to fulfill our sexual needs beyond our sexchange situation, but engaging in sexual scenarios without a financial exchange merely is too gray for us. It opens the door to too much confusion, jealousy and hurt in our relationship. For Ash and I, this arrangement does work, because, at the end of the night, everyone walks away with clean hands. There’s no false sense of emotional investment. There’s no question as to whether this woman has feelings for Ash or me or vice versa.  It is merely a business transaction. The only things expected are for her to provide an agreed-upon service and for us to pay for said service.

But just because this works for us, does not mean it will work for anyone else. The thing is – and the reason I’m writing about this – is that people get wrapped up in an image of what a “normal” relationship looks like, but I’m here to tell you no such thing exists. Every relationship is different because every person’s needs are different.  Even as much as Ash and I are on the same wavelength – sexually and otherwise – our needs are different. But “sexchange” is something that the two of us have discovered works for us. It’s taken time, open communication, and a desire to want to remain committed to one another, while still fulfilling some of each other’s additional needs/wants/desires/fantasies. I am by no means recommending this type of arrangement to others. However, I do believe that if you and your partner are willing to put in the time to talk and figure out what will work in the confines of your own relationship, you too, can define your personal relationship and maybe even your own portmanteau.